A la suggestion de Trish

J'en pleure  

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit.' Reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD . ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position
and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8' or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my
hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!